Week 4

Hey all, it is the final week of the inter-conference showdown, and sadly the Nebraska Conference is behind by a whopping 10 games. So far, eight of their ten teams have combined for a grand total of four wins, that's a half a win each. If Nebraska is going to even the struggle, they'll need to win all ten games this week. In that light, I offer the reason why each Nebraska team will prove victorious.

By the way, for those of you sensitive to phrases that might earn you a TV-PG rating, stop reading when you see the word "Tijuana." You can pick back up at the mention of Marlon Brando's name. Like many of the teams in our league, he "...could have been a contender."

Green Bay

Pittsburgh -3.5

Green Bay is off to a slow start, but hey, it's Amber. She once sealed up her division crown with two weeks left and then proceeded to knock two teams out of the playoffs using nothing but her backups. Yeah, okay, so her line has more holes in it than a PGA Grand slam event, a George Lucas script, and a Tijuana whorehouse combined. And yeah, her running back got fatter than Marlon Brando at an all-day buffet. And sure, her receivers broke more bones than Evil Knievel jumping the Grand Canyon. But this is Amber. Surely, she'll get by Jim and right her ship, right?

San Francisco

San Diego -3

Despite starting 0-3, Byron has managed to stay within one score in every game. He's due for a bit of luck and a surprise win.

Minnesota -13.5

Jacksonville

After scoring only 3 points against KC, Greg's offensive starters are clearly well-rested and looking to take heir frustrations out on the Jags. The Jags have already won their allotted two games. We risk Biblical end times if they win any more.

St. Louis

New England -7

Forest gave up 55 points to the Raiders, which translates into about 13 points for the Rams. Combine that with the fact that the Patriots' offense will be dog tired from scoring all day and night on Oakland (even as I write this, I think they just scored again), and a 13-10 win isn't out of the question.

Cincinnati -5

Denver

The two-headed monster of Osweiler and Manning is responsible for 29 points. That's not per game. It's a grand total. 29 points. So, one AJ Green touchdown and a Nugent field goal just might win it for the Bengals.

Dallas

Detroit -6.5

The Cowboys can't lose all 11. Whose to say this isn't their week. They are America's team after all. At least until America returns them to Amazon for a full refund.

Seattle -13

Washington

Seattle is in Washington, so even if Washington wins, doesn't that mean Seattle wins, too? Oh, DC...right. Well, try this one: Seattle's margin of victory per game is higher than the total points scored by Denver on the season.

Miami

Kansas City -16

Miami has, um...huh...

Any given Sunday, right (forced smile)?

Arizona -14

Baltimore

Scott's heart won't be in it. He's a Brownie from way back, and the Ravens are really just the Browns in disguise, while the current Browns are just a women's gymnastic squad poorly disguised as a football team. Okay, women's gymnastics is a bit of a stretch. I doubt the Browns are that athletic. Or tough.

Oakland

Carolina -8.5

Despite a tough slate, Oakland has played well. Carr's numbers speak for themselves. 65% completion, 12 touchdowns, 0 picks, 368 yards/game. Why haven't they won? Oh, right, you have to play defense. Well here's boldly predicting they play just enough defense to hold the Panthers under 40, thus securing the win.